So this is my first time blogging.

My statement is due in less than 48 hours and my roomie's trifling ain't shit boyfriend never speaks when I speak and it erks the hell out of me. He's such a dick. If they use my dish soap once more I swear I'll woop his ass all the way back to the trash he came from. I'm so not looking forward to my other roommates to come back...well at least not the round one. She's a socially awkward bitch who always runs home b/c that's the only place that she can control...no she isn't like a 17 year old freshman, she's a 22 year old fucking junior. WTF?? Grow up. Of course I'll say something to you about spoiled milk (literally). I'm just tired of the world... am I wrong for wanting to vacation by my damn self? All my time goes to my boyfriend who thinks he can do no wrong because his mother put that shit in his head and then to my draining ass major that seems like it'll be fun, but at the moment is depressing. Don't get me started!!! My scholarship director is another socially awkward one!! She doesn't know how to be a people person. It's like she was teased her whole life and devoted her life to academia (she's a tenured professor) and never got to interact with people who had to like her...wll gues what: I don't. No one really does except for the pompous other social outcasts. I wish I could oust her ass!!!! I haven't talked to my mother in like a fucking month. Sometimes I feel bad and other times I'm glad I don't talk to her. Like that's not a chapter I want to or can invest time in. Speaking of family GOD help me. My grandmother is such a cunt. Because of her lack of desire to do anything with herself (slave mentality/ hood mentality) she broke up our family. I have so many other cousins my age!! My immediate family is a crock of shit anyway...my grandmother idolizes her bastard fat ass daughter n her 3 kids. Its such favoritism but anytime anyone brings it up she acts like her stupid heart is hurting (no she has no heart issues). I joked to myslef today (which I really shouldn't have) about her saying the Obama daughters reminded her of my 3 cousins (the ones she favors). But here's the scoop: no I'm not a jealous black sheep; I'm a academic success and extremely outgoing BUT her favorites are completely isolated from the family because they're annoying trouble makers just like their malignant mother. I swear she is the cancer of the family. And no it's not like she's successful; she's a nobody she's completely isolated herself. She works in a beauty salon where all of her minions go and kiss her ass. My family that I tell you about exemplifies those people who boast about how christian they are, but they have NO actions to back it up. My father, the rock of the family, is that Christian who performs random acts of kindness and truly has a great heart, and my family hates him for being so successful and intelligent. I hope he cuts my disappointment of a brother the fuck up out of the will. That's another thing (excuse my tangents), but why does companionship weaken a woman so bad? Why will a woman not stand up for herself and say what's right...just so she can say she's married? Why will a woman create a fairytale life and call it happiness when it's just denial that she's degraded herself by never standing up for herself? I never want to be that woman. Will I be single forever? I understand that you have to choose your battles, but when things become habits, one chooses to lay down forever. Sometimes I just wish I could get away...not so much kill myself, but just go somewhere else where no one will call me or no one will ask me for advice or help with anything or to do something. Is there such a place like that where I am good and alive, but won't have to face reperecussions for ignoring everyone?? (excuse my tangents once more) I love my boyfriend I really do, but sometimes when he does things I feel like I'm influencing him. Like he wants to listen to gangster rap by fucking idiots and hang out with his irresponsible friends who damn near welcome danger. I feel like he reverts back to being the "old him". Am I forcing/ influencing him to be someone he isn't? He had a chance to take a grad. req. this semester, although it was a Saturday class and he turned it down because he didn't feel like it. I would never be so academically lax, but he isn't me. And when he isn't with me and he stays home, his speech becomes slang again and he isn't doing shit but sitting around. It's no education or any value on education in his house. They're just quick to hop on get-rich- quick schemes. Am I wrong for wanting him to want education like I do? Booker T. Washington even said "You can't ensave an educated mind." He is making that transition to becoming educated because he's starting to realize everything his mother says isn't gospel anymore. !!!!! A thought ran through my mind. It's enslaving: his household...his father does not want him to succeed. And I do, I really do, but sometimes I feel like I want it more than he does. I feel like I want him to challenge his mind more than he does. And with him reverting back spontaneously should we even be together?? (We've been together 2 years). I love him to death, but sometimes I feel like I'm so involved with wanting him and myself to succeed and his issues of having to get his own place that I'm almost missing the fun of my college experience. I'll admit I do think parties are stupid, but I love different music and smoking hookah and spoken word, but I don't always want to be with him doing it. We have a great relationship, but sometimes I just want to breathe and go out without feeling bad! I have to write my statement but this venting does some good. I'll be back.

Mz. Ne